Have you ever heard of a workaholic stay-at-home mom? I'm not talking about those SAHMs who have a side hustle or work remotely. I'm talking about moms whose jobs are to be home with the kids and take care of the household. Did you know we can be workaholics too?
I recently caught myself mentally criticizing my husband late at night for always putting his work first. He leaves early, comes home late, and makes work calls and texts all weekend and evenings. Some days I understand better than others. It is the military and he is trying to take care of others. His caring heart is one of the reasons why I love him so much. But a lot of times, our family is put on the back burner. Where is that caring heart for us?
My husband is a workaholic, but so am I.
For those of you who are SAHMs, you know there is a lot that we have to do to keep the house running. At a minimum, dishes, laundry, and basic cleaning maintenance. There is also all the yard work, cooking, decorating, deep cleaning, pet care, appointments, school, play dates, exercise, car maintenance, grocery shopping, finances, and paying bills. For some of you, you also breastfeed. Also, some of you are the sole source of Christian values. And there are some of you who homeschool and take on even more of a single parenting role.
During the weekdays
Let's do the math. If your children are like mine and they wake up at 8 and go to bed by 8, that's 12 hours a day for at least 5 days. That is 60 hours where you are working right? We don't get off work once daddy comes home, because he needs food too, and he needs help finding whatever it is the kids are looking for, and he doesn't know which pajamas are whose, etc, etc.
But wait, is our work as a SAHM over while the kids are sleeping? Nope. What about personal time, bible reading, and praying? What about the dishes from dinner that need to be cleaned, or at least put in the sink? The clothes on the bed need to be folded before you can even lie in it. Oh, don't forget your husband who still can't find such and such. You also forgot to text back the play date you set up for tomorrow. Oh, and you gotta make sure everything is ready for the morning because there is a doctor's appointment first thing and if you don't set out the kids' clothes and prepare the snacks tonight, then you will for sure be late to it.
During the weekends
Blessed weekend. This is when the work week is over and you can finally relax. Your husband is home so you don't feel like a single mom anymore. Life couldn't be any simpler.
Sike.
Weekday on repeat. Except now you have another mouth to feed during the day. Another voice asks where something is. Another set of hands to clean up after. None of the chores and to-dos stop just because it is Saturday. Many of you might have extra help from your husbands during this time, which is wonderful, but you are still working. And there are some of you who have workaholics for husbands and so they only have time for playing with the kids in between phone calls, texts, and emails.
Tired, stressed, and in need of more help from your partner? Imagine running your household (and life!) in a new way...
It started with the Sh*t I Do List. Tired of being the “shefault” parent responsible for all aspects of her busy household, Eve Rodsky counted up all the unpaid, invisible work she was doing for her family—and then sent that list to her husband, asking for things to change. His response was...underwhelming. Rodsky realized that simply identifying the issue of unequal labor on the home front wasn't enough: She needed a solution to this universal problem. Her sanity, identity, career, and marriage depended on it.
Wait, isn't this about ME being the workaholic??
Yes! After reading about all that we do for our homes and feeling like a single mom, we can still be a workaholic. We get so caught up in the narrative that if we didn't do the work, it wouldn't get done, so we have to do it now. Without us, the house would fall apart. We tell ourselves that we don't have time to relax because XYZ needs to get done.
Ladies, it's time to put the cleaning cloth down and be honest with ourselves. Who is requiring us to do these things? Not a single person, my whole marriage, has told me that I HAVE to do any of it. What does that mean? That means, how much we work, how often, how intense, and what kind, is decided by us. We are our own bosses and we are giving ourselves these long hours and responsibilities. That also means we can lessen our own workload.
Before you freak out, I am not saying stop caring for our households and forget the children and husbands, and only do you.
But being a workaholic SAHM only helps!
Does it? Remember when I was just complaining about my husband taking calls, texts, and emails all the time? He only had time to play with the kids in between so he couldn't do any housework. Now look at yourself and your work. You have a list of to-dos throughout the day and do you even have time for your kids or your husband? Are you putting them on the back burner? Does your husband ONLY have time for the kids because you don't have ANY time for the kids or your husband? In the evenings when your husband gets home from work and dinner has been eaten, do you spend time with your husband, or go straight to cleaning up for the night?
At the end of your life, what will be your life accomplishments? That you raised God-fearing, loving, well-mannered children and cultivated a God-centered marriage, or that your household was always in top order?
Keri Wyatt Kent invites readers to rediscover the ancient practice of Sabbath in this practical and accessible book. Kent’s experiences as a retreat leader and a journalist collide as she offers true, interview-based stories along with scripturally based advice and guidance on how to live in a rhythm of work and rest she calls “Sabbath simplicity. ” Based on what Jesus taught about Sabbath and how he practiced it, Kent explores six aspects of Sabbath as Christian spiritual practice: resting, reconnecting, revising, pausing, playing, and praying.
Well, what can I do?
First, let me say, there is nothing wrong with a woman who runs her household well. If you've never read Psalm 31, you can read it now.
The Woman Who Fears the Lord
10 An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. 11 The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. 12 She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. 13 She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands. 14 She is like the ships of the merchant; she brings her food from afar. 15 She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household and portions for her maidens. 16 She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard. 17 She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong. 18 She perceives that her merchandise is profitable. Her lamp does not go out at night. 19 She puts her hands to the distaff, and her hands hold the spindle. 20 She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy. 21 She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet. 22 She makes bed coverings for herself; her clothing is fine linen and purple. 23 Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land. 24 She makes linen garments and sells them; she delivers sashes to the merchant. 25 Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come. 26 She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. 27 She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. 28 Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: 29 “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.” 30 Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. 31 Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates.
This is the vision of a SAHM that many of us strive for. It gives us meaning to our work and we can be proud of ourselves when we live up to this vision.
There are some parts of this verse that we overlook though.
11 The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. 12 She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.
Do you think this only pertains to how a wife runs the household? No. It doesn't say her husband trusts in her ability to run the house. It says her husband trusts in her. Does your husband trust you? You might think, yes! You've never cheated, never gotten your family in any questionable situations, and never done any suspicious activities. But does your husband trust you to put him first after God? Does your husband believe he comes before your children and the housework? Does he trust that you love him more than any judgments about the cleanliness of your floors or kitchen? Can your husband rely on you to prioritize your marriage as first after God?
Do you do your husband good by being a workaholic? Or do you emotionally hurt your husband? When he is not helping around the house, do you ostracize him or neglect him? Do you use statements like, “If you really loved me you would do XYZ.” Do you belittle your husband in front of others by pointing out their faults? Are you over-demanding when you use phrases such as “happy wife, happy life” to manipulate him into giving you whatever you want?
Guess what, according to Ball Morse Lowe Lawyers, this is domestic abuse and this is harmful!
A non-working spouse attacking a working spouse for not doing the dishes that day, or not doing enough around the house as soon as he’s home from a workday, is emotional abuse. Recognize it for what it is.
Ball Morse and Lowe Lawyers
So ask yourself, does your household matter more than your marriage and your family?
Does your household matter more than your relationship with God?
A Song of Ascents. Of Solomon. Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep.
Psalm 127:1-2
Ladies, we must learn how to prioritize these things at the right times. You must learn how to balance your roles. During the day, while you are working on the house, prioritize work. In the evenings when your husband is home, prioritize your husband. When it is time to educate your children and focus on them, then prioritize them. If the kids are watching an educational movie, sit with them! Explain the parts that they might not interpret well. Spend quality time with them. Schedule the times throughout your day to focus on housework and if the time is up, then OH WELL! It'll still be there the next time you have scheduled to clean. Maybe the kids or your husband will see the need for something to clean and do it themselves.
Written in Shauna's warm and vulnerable style, this collection of essays focuses on the most important transformation in her life, and maybe yours too: leaving behind busyness and frantic living and rediscovering the person you were made to be. Present Over Perfect is a hand reaching out, pulling you free from the constant pressure to perform faster, push harder, and produce more while maintaining an exhausting image of perfection.
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; …
Ecclesiastes 3:1-22
Have you ever read the story of Martha and Mary? They were sisters and Jesus had come as a guest in their house. Well while Jesus was talking, Martha was working her butt off trying to serve everyone and maintain her homely appearance. Guess what her sister was doing? She was sitting with Jesus and listening to him. Martha then speaks up and asks why Jesus isn't correcting her sister and telling her to help around the house. Jesus' response? “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:38-42
This bible story shines a light on our attitude towards this topic. Martha wasn't necessarily doing anything bad, but she didn't have her priorities straight. She was a workaholic and was concerned only with her duties and how she looked. Mary did have her priorities right. She knew that it was more valuable to sit with Jesus at that moment than it was to be doing housework.
Ladies, stop waiting around for your husband to stop being a workaholic so that you will have less work. Stop waiting for change, and be the change. Leave his heart to God and listen to what God is telling your heart. Let the people silently judge the blanket that isn't perfectly folded or the floors that have crumbs from last night's dinner. You will get to that when it is the right time.
If you need help and you feel like your relationship with your husband is too damaged, consider talking with a marriage counselor. This can be useful when both of you are a workaholic. Check out my previous post about marriage counseling. Embracing Professional Help with Wisdom and Faith
I would love to include you in my prayers as we both pray over our lives and children. Feel free to email me and let me know how your journey is going.
