In honor of my husband's birthday this week, I wanted to write about what my heart hopes for, what it loves about, and how it's been changed by my husband. Read on to find out about my heart for my husband, and probably your heart for your husband as well.
Before I ever knew you…
God knew you would be mine. I had no clue who you were or how you'd come into my life, but God told me at a young age that my husband would be a military man. So at least I knew where to look. Despite having scholarships to every college, job offers, and so many more opportunities, I chased after you. I joined the Army. For YEARS I looked. There were some mistakes. I lost my way for a while and I closed my ears to God, which ended up closing my heart for you.
I thought I was lost forever.
Yet just a couple of buildings over, you were there. You were there for YEARS and I never knew. I didn't know the man that God had already deemed to be my husband was so close by.
How many times did we cross paths?
How many times did our eyes meet but keep moving?
What opportunities went by?
My ears were closed to God, yet somehow, he still had a hand over our marriage. Every missed opportunity was just God whispering to our hearts, “Not yet.”
Before I met you, my heart was aching. I had nearly given up. My life was a disaster and I was trapped in the world. I was grasping at any chance to escape. To start new. I took the opportunity to go to the other side of the country for a few months, hoping to get a breath of fresh air. But before I left, something sparked. God finally said, “LOOK.”
What I didn't expect
The next couple of months were unexpected. You somehow swept me off my feet. I was in California, you were in Georgia. I was trying to get a fresh start and cut off all the rotten parts of my life. So many numbers got blocked and many friends were unfriended. Yet, your number was always first to be called and last to be dialed. Without thinking of the absurdity or what others would think of it, we were engaged before I even left California.
I can't even describe what was going on in my heart at the time. I had fallen in love with you but it wasn't anything I'd experienced before. Although I felt an emotionally deep love for you, it was more than just my heart that led me to say yes to you. I prayed. After a long and lonely time without God, my ears were opened and I prayed. I didn't know it yet, but God had been there the whole time.
He was there at every phone call and video chat.
He was there when I cut out the dead parts of my life.
God was there when I spoke the words, “We should get married” one night while talking to you.
He was there when you agreed.
He never left and never has and never will.
After that moment, I knew that you were the man I had waited for. You were more than I could have hoped for and better than I deserved. You were who God intended to show His love through. God's unconditional, neverending, all-encompassing love. You were the one God prepared for me and for whom I was prepared for. I left for California expecting a new beginning and came back with a new life.
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.
1 Corinthians 13:4–8a (ESV)
It finally set in
In the whirl of preparing for a wedding in just a few months, there were many moments when things seemed unreal. How did life change so fast and so much? Did you really want to marry me? What was wrong with you? Don't you know my past? My mistakes? How could you really love me? How long would it take for you to realize your mistake in marrying me? I'm not worthy of this right now. Why did God choose this moment in the midst of the chaos? Why not clean me up first, and get my life together a bit more?
This is where God really started working on my heart for you, and there was (still is) a lot to work on. I had finally settled with the fact that I was going to be your wife. It was time to pull everything I thought a wife should be together and implement a plan. First, we had to have a good foundation, then we can build our marriage and next our family, and finally, live happily ever after.
The reality of loving you
Growing up, I did what most girls did. I daydreamed of what my husband would be like and all the romantic perfect moments we would have. Well, our first year was a real punch of reality. I had thought when God gave you to me, that it meant my heart was ready for you despite my mistakes. In reality, my heart was nowhere close to being ready. The reality was, that God brought us together in marriage, and THEN started working on my heart for you.
Our first years were challenging. Being pregnant, working, and attending university full-time through most of it didn't help much either. I kept making mistake after mistake. Was I ever going to learn? My heart was painfully changing and being reshaped by God. Looking back, I know it wasn't as painful as it could have been. God had A LOT of mercy on me. Through it all, I can say this, you NEVER stopped being patient, kind, tenderhearted, and forgiving. I blamed you for so much and you never sought revenge or to get even. You are such a humble man.
My heart now
We have been married 7 years now and God is still working on me. Despite my imperfect heart, I have learned to love you more and more each day. I see how much you have served our family. Your humility always grounds me and takes me off my high horse. The way you love our children makes my heart ache with love for you. How you care so much for your soldiers makes me so proud of you. I don't doubt for a second that you have earned any and every recognition and award at work. You have supported me through it all and love me even when I don't love myself. The love you have for me is the biggest example of God's love for me in my life.
My heart is open to you and to all that God has planned for us. I know we were brought together by God and nothing can separate what God has put together. My heart was yours before I even knew you, and it will be yours until death do us part.
I love you my Honeybumpkinouche.
I would love to include you in my prayers as we both pray over our lives and children. Feel free to email me and let me know how your journey is going.
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What a heartfelt birthday message to my Son. I am so glad God brought you and EJ together.
Thank you and thank God for his work!