As an
I hope my journey through breastfeeding is able to provide you with some comfort and support in knowing you are not alone. I don't know of any moms who have had perfect breastfeeding journeys for each kid (or any kid). We are all trying to figure out how this whole milk-making thing works and so are our babies. I hope my story will help you avoid my pitfalls and be encouraged by my successes.
Baby 1
My eldest daughter Luna, my sweet girl who made me a mother. I had so much hope for breastfeeding with her. I did ALL the research. I bought ALL the books. I got ALL the supplies, like My Brest Friend. I told EVERYBODY that I was going to breastfeed. I was so proud just for making the decision. Even when I read the various posts about the first month being the hardest and the various hurdles moms had to go through, I told myself that I was going to be a pro.
Oh how far I fell.
Baby Luna, within the first two weeks, lost way more than 10% of her weight. The doctors were worried. I had no clue how to breastfeed. All the books in the world didn't prepare me for the pain of latching, for the time I would spend in bed, for the cluster feeds, for the middle of the night loneliness while watching my husband sleep peacefully. I had all the latest gadgets and pillows, including the My Brest Friend Nursing Pillow shown above.
I wasn't latching her correctly and she wasn't getting enough milk out. 20 minutes into it, she'd fall asleep, and I'd offer my other breast. She would stay asleep so, I'd think I did a good enough job. 3-4 hours later, I'd repeat.
Thinking back to that time, I was so oblivious and naive. In reality, this is what was happening.
I'd incorrectly latch my baby, painfully and tearfully. She would take a few sips, get tired, and fall asleep. Because of the pain I was in, I'd give little effort into waking her and offering her more milk. I should have offered her the same breast so she could get to the hind milk. Her sleepiness was a major sign of starvation. She didn't have the energy to keep going.
I should have gotten over my pride, pumped milk, and given her a bottle. I should have invested in a scale for at-home like this one. I should have gone to see a lactation consultant. There was a lot I should have done.
After those first two weeks, I slowly gave up breastfeeding. Defeatedly, I started giving formula and within a month and a half, my milk was gone and baby Luna was exclusively formula fed. I felt like a failure.
Baby 2
My second eldest daughter, London. She is my cuddle bug and has such a sensitive heart. When I found out I was pregnant with her, I had a fire reignite in me. I was going to do it this time! I was going to successfully breastfeed! I just had to tweak some things and it would work, I was sure.
This time around, somehow, I fell even further.
Maybe it was the lack of support this time around, but with my London, I was thrown from the boat into a sea of shame, failure, and depression.
After London was born, once again, within the first 2 weeks she lost more than 10% of her weight. I had experienced this before. I told myself I knew what to do this time around. I assured the doctors, I can handle this and I'll fix it. I begged them to give me more time to get it right. They reluctantly agreed to do another weigh-in after a week to make sure I did indeed get my baby's weight back on track.
My pride was so big and blinding. Looking back now, I can't believe I let myself go on thinking that I could do it all on my own. I should have asked for help. I should have listened to the doctors. A month went by and my baby was starving. I couldn't change her diaper without tears in my eyes because she was nothing but skin and bones. Somehow, I was able to keep lying to myself.
I would take her to the doctors every week for a weigh-in hoping they would say, “Good job! You've done it. You're finally giving her all the milk she needs!” At one point, the doctor straight up said I was killing my baby and I needed to stop trying to breastfeed and start giving her formula. Her telling me to stop breastfeeding altogether was a bit extreme in my book, but it got the point across.
I went to a different pediatrician and this time I felt I was going to finally get the support I needed. She asked more questions, was more encouraging, and seemed to genuinely want to help me keep breastfeeding. However, I soon found out, even this doctor would lead me astray.
With just one email, I quit breastfeeding. I sent her a picture of my breastmilk after letting it sit for a day in the fridge. Her only reply was, there wasn't enough fat in my milk and there wasn't anything I could do to increase it. Oh, the misinformation! Just FYI, not producing enough fat is not a thing! However, not getting all the fat in your hind milk out is a thing. It didn't matter at the time though. I had given up. I was tired of watching my baby starve and I was tired of the struggle to breastfeed.
I fell into depression, shame, and regret. Even to this day, I can't look at London's baby pictures without wanting to cry.
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Twins
Despite all of that, when I learned I was pregnant again, I had a glimmer of hope that breastfeeding would finally work. When I learned I was pregnant with twins, it somehow seemed more achievable. I knew that there was a high chance they would be in the NICU and be bottle fed and that took some of the pressure off me. I no longer felt the pressure to exclusively breastfeed my babies. I could blame any setbacks on the fact that they were preemies.
With them getting bottles for the first month or two, I wouldn't have to stress about their weight gain or how much they were eating. As long as I could produce enough milk while pumping, I would be fine and eventually, I would be able to breastfeed them. I knew I needed to be more flexible with their feeding this time around.
When they were finally born, not everything went as I thought it would. I assumed they would be in the NICU and therefore the pressure of breastfeeding would be lifted. However, thanks be to God, they were absolutely perfect! They could come home with me immediately! With this blessing came the realization that I now was expected to breastfeed them both!
I knew this time would be different though. My husband got 3 months of paternity leave this time, compared to the 2 days he got with my other kids. This time my pediatrician was a mother of twins herself. This time, I scheduled an appointment with a lactation consultant IMMEDIATELY! These things made ALL the difference.
With a lot of perseverance, I breastfed my twins using my Twin Z pillow, pumped, and then bottle-fed them EVERY FEEDING! After 3 months my baby boy was the first to finally get a full feeding from the breast. Then after 5 months, my baby girl was also able to get a full feeding. I had did it. I had beaten the odds even when they were double-stacked against me. Not only did I achieve my dream status of having exclusively breastfed babies, but I also did it after starting out on the bottle. On top of all that, I did it with TWO BABIES AT ONCE!
My ego is probably way too big about that, but after 6 years of failure, I am so proud of myself and so grateful for the support I had gotten this time around.
To the mom that is in the midst of it…
You will be okay. This time will pass. Learn from your mistakes. Try again. Find support. Be flexible.
And most importantly, something I am still trying to do myself, FORGIVE YOURSELF.
We aren't perfect. We are incredibly imperfect. We are going to mess up again and again. Recognize the mistake, ask for forgiveness, and try again.
I would love to include you in my prayers as we both pray over our lives and children. Feel free to email me and let me know how your journey is going.
